After my first break up with someone after the divorce
I text a copy of the cover of Superman to a friend
He believed “men were my kryptonite” his words not mine.
A close observation but inaccurate
While I love Alicia Keys song “Superwoman”
Not only do I not desire to be the superhero ,
I never really considered myself as one.
Nor do I want to be… God created me to be Shawneda.
Another one of my friends is a big fan of this super being
To a degree, so am I…
But I have never wanted to be Wonder Woman.
While dating another guy ,
My patience and discernment
Kept me from falling too far too fast
Although I am “old school” and believe in letting the guy lead ,
I’m also progressive enough to know I must,
I can and will go the best way for me without him.
Am I anti-submission and ultra FEMINIST…
Not at all.
Girl power is not feminism… that is another post for another day.
I just know that submitting to a man in a healthy relationship
will not make me powerless… as long as I pick the right man.
Submission is a biblical principle in marriage
that many abuse (male and female).
More powerful than submission is AGREEMENT.
Despite my divorce and not yet encountering
my “forever love” I am a great proponent of marriage.
The healthiest and happiest
couples I know live in agreement with each other.
But submission doesn’t make a woman powerless
because it is a choice she makes… not something forced on her.
Men were never my “kryptonite” nor was I rendered
powerless when I submitted to my ex-husband.
My weakness was fear of abandonment.
Losing my biological father to suicide
and being criminally neglected by mother, which resulted
in being placed in foster care
had profound positive and negative affects on me.
The first person I ever had to cut out of my life
was the person who carried me in her womb.
Her choice to leave me and chase the man who
molested me while I was pregnant forced me to learn
The only problem is for me to let go
most times I had to go through something
heart wrenching and painful.
Because no one taught me how to have
healthy boundaries… because the people
who were supposed to teach me how to walk away
didn’t know how to walk away themselves.
My foster parents were the answer to my prayers.
My foster Dad in particular because our relationship
showed me that all men weren’t horrible.
Which helped me uncover my problem with my biological mother.
My fear of abandonment caused me to push away the people
who I cared about and claimed to care about me
because I didn’t want to feel that soul searing pain
of being left and abandoned again.
Deep down… in a place I pretended
didn’t really exist I learned to adapt and change to be accepted.
When you’re as quirky as I am that isn’t easy
but the pain of being abandoned fueled it.
Constantly wondering if I’d ever “be good enough”
to have a normal or loving family.
Negative thoughts filled my mind and the question
seared on my soul, that tortured me the most as a teenager
“What was so horribly wrong with me that the people
who God gave me to didn’t love me enough to stay?”
The truth is now what it was then…
nothing about me as a baby or child
caused the people in my life who should have
loved, covered, parented and guided me into adulthood
to commit suicide, make bad relationship decisions,
abandon, neglect, mistreat, or betray me.
My negative experiences as a child were less about me
and more about the lack of ability in my parents.
This revelation happened first in my head
but took years for God to help me accept in my heart.
Over the years, God refused to leave me to myself.
He continued to pursue me and chased me down
Loved me and cared for me… saved me from my
feeble attempts to “fix myself” to be good enough.
For years I tried to find out how to
improve myself, remake myself better, be the smartest,
make my looks the prettiest, whatever the circumstance
no matter the environment… be the best and ONLY the best
so someone could love me.
People would misuse and exploit my loyalty.
Truth is, I didn’t recognize it at first
because I know the pain of disappointment
I tried my best not to disappoint ANYONE.
My foster Dad told me, “If your word ain’t shit… you ain’t shit.”
Problem is, when you are trying to earn love
instead of being loved for who you are… you say yes too much.
He pointed out that I had a problem saying NO.
Then promptly taught me how.
Through my relationship with God
and because of my foster family and
several special people I met along my life’s journey
I finally came to embrace my humanity
Learned how to celebrate my flaws
Found the strength to be imperfect
And the greatest gift… I no longer fear being abandoned.
Despite not being able to have her in my life ,
I still love my biological mother very much.
Because I love me too… I know we can’t have a relationship.
Not because I haven’t forgiven her…
But because I love her as I love myself and refuse to take part
in abusive relationships… period.
After my social circle shrank
I found myself surrounded
by a small but amazing circle of people.
My biological brother.
A former fellow cheerleader turned sister.
And of course I’m still loved by my foster family.
These people prayed for me.
Called me and forced me out of the house.
They didn’t allow me to forget Shawneda.
They helped me to find my way again.
They showed me … God used them to help me
finally embrace the truth ….
God… shows me daily… with all of my imperfections,
flaws and sin, I’m very lovable.
In what could have been the circumstances in life
that destroyed me… I found a greater appreciation for
life… and all it entails and a deeper more intimate relationship
with God. If He won’t abandon me…
knowing all He knows.
Then I have no reason to be afraid.
I’ll continue to listen to positive girl power music
Because as a worshiper, it feeds my soul…
but I traded in the need to be Supergirl and never wanted to be Wonder Woman
No bracelets or capes for me…
My armor comes from the all powerful God
I am so glad I’m not a Superhero.
Then I couldn’t be Shawneda.
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