Nothing was going as I hoped for or planned. Continuing with life simply felt unbearable. School, relationships and living seemed to take too much effort. Somehow I convinced myself everything bad that happened to me was my fault, I must be cursed. So I left a suicide note in my homework folder letting my new family know I loved them and it was me – not them that was the problem. I was afraid I’d ruin them too. I prayed and asked God to forgive me for running away from Him, for taking my life and to please let me come home to heaven to be with him because I didn’t think I could deal with the pain of living anymore. Moments later I swallowed an entire bottle of medicine prescribed to my foster mom and lay down to die in my sleep.
        Being an honor roll student before I landed in foster care meant my parents didn’t check my homework. That night my foster mom said “something” told her to open it. Instead of finding my note the next morning she found it an hour after I went to sleep. I was rushed to the hospital.
        My social worker arranged for me to talk to a psychologist about the things I’d been through before I was placed in foster care. She and my parents encouraged me to talk, instead of trying to pretend it never happened. Something amazing occurred, when I faced my pain I realized it didn’t hurt as much anymore. I feared my parents, family and friends would reject me because of the suicide attempt. Instead of rejecting me, they loved me more.
        I completed counseling, finished high school and each day life looked brighter. On rare occasions, during a special event like before my senior trip, before I left for Spelman, the day I was married and the day he became my first paid reader, my Dad would put his arm around me, squeeze and say “I’m so glad you didn’t miss this.”
        No matter how selfish my actions, how much I hurt Him, myself and the others around me God continued to send goodness and mercy behind me. His mercy and loving-kindness saved me from myself that night. It has kept me time and time again. I’m thankful for its benefits new each morning. His mercy literally, saved my life.
Psalm 36:5
Amplified Bible (AMP)

5Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord, extend to the skies, and Your faithfulness to the clouds.

Posted originally on November 27, 2011

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