Shawneda

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God Inspired Girl Power to Hope for Hope Again



The hardest thing to do sometimes

For me anyway. 

Maybe you're different...
Some people have this fortitude
A built in system that disallows giving up.
Disappointment.... unfazed
Betrayal... unmarred
Abandonment... still smiling
Abuse... unphased.
Exploitation... thankful to be needed.

That's not my testimony.


People don't really know how much divorce cost me
Not losing the relationship... although it hurt
My faith... the very essence of many of the tenets of my faith
were shaken loose... and I'll admit.
I lost hope... not for life but for love. 

Marriage didn't factor into my plans. 
When I told my five and ten year plan to my foster mom
On the side in the margin of the paper squished in as an after thought
I wrote "Marriage and children: optional"
After my grandma asked me what I'd do about romance...
Romantic love? What was that...



Fast forward to 2015... 2 years after divorce
Reeling from the after effects of trying romantic love... one more time.
I'd lost hope and decided relationships weren't for me. 
Romantic relationships killed my super powers... my kryptonite
So I did what I knew best when trauma hit my life
I folded into myself as far as I could... which is a lot
Only four people could get through to me. 

I'd decided not to pursue any future romantic relationships
My energy, faith, love, devotion and kindness reserved.



For taking care of myself so I could parent my daughter
and love a small but stellar group of friends 
So few I could count them on one hand... literally.

My bestie saw me cocoon away and some days try to disappear
She wouldn't let me 
Painstakingly, methodically, relentlessly
Led by the Holy Ghost I am sure
Prayed for me, walked with me, cried with me, cried for me
And let me fight my way back to considering ...
Maybe... just maybe... life wasn't so cruel
to let me never know love ...
After an experience I'm sure could've ended
WAY worse than it did... 
Tired
Defeated
Worn out
Victorious in prayer
Failed in the relationship
I relinquished it...
The last little bit of hope that remained
My grasp loosened
I let it go.
To hold on to the truth in knowing God loved me.
So I wouldn't pass the pain on to those around me
especially my daughter
In order to push through... I quit. 
Hardest thing in the world because... I'd never done that before.

But I figured I had to... to keep my sanity.
To continue to see victory in the other areas of my life.
I did... I decided to stop putting any energy aka hope
Hope in anything to do with romantic love
And started shutting everyone out of my life who refuted MY decision
I'm an introvert so this was pretty easy.
Forced to take stock of my part in another failed attempt to love
Which is hard to do when someone has been in an affection deficit. 
When someone isn't sure they'll ever really have love.. to keep
I'm not talking about him... by the way.


Everyday I felt God's love
I saw His provision
Experience His mercy and benefits
Am assured I have His favor and am endowed with power
Because nothing can separate me from His love
Found the strength to leave the past behind
That was hard... but I had to admit to myself
I didn't feel safe in my old church
Love and like the pastor and most of the members
But too many memories
Too many broken promises
Church people don't know how to handle divorce
Sad... very sad... but very true

Church hurt is a mutha.... you get the drift
I'll respect all the sanctified folks still reading. 
Pouring out from an empty cistern is not good
While asking God to heal me... again
I'm still responsible for submitting my gifts to Him
So I'm always reading my word 
Worshipping like never before
Writing from the depths of my heart past my toes
In the midst of fighting for my faith
Continuing to love myself and my daughter as we rebuild our life
As we continue to adjust to the ever present
Changes of life
Somewhere in the midst of living
With a few chastening moments from God
Confronted by the characters God chose to work through 
in Open My Heart.
There it was... patient, stronger, 
Surviving in the essence of itself... 
waiting for me to choose it again
Hope.


Somewhere in the midst of choosing hopelessness
I ran smack dab back into more hope than I imagined could exist.
So I feed it daily.
Petition God to plant it squarely and firmly 
In the good soil of my heart where it can 
Entangle it's roots in God's love and my measure of faith
Become part of my heart and soul and bear much fruit
Fruit that will be sweet on sour days
Fruit that will give sustenance and nourishment that remains
Fruit that will drop seeds into the ground around it 
So I'll always have the God Inspired Girl power to Hope for more hope again. 


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